A Sparkly Sparklewood List Of Cool Summer Things

Hey party monsters, summer has officially/unofficially begun, and with the impending fire-storm of heat and humidity bearing down upon us, we've decided to compile a list of radicool summer shit to do (besides getting drunk on the front porch while wearing your fancy undies).

I mean, you could just sit in the air conditioning and play video games and look at nudie pics on the interwebz, but that would make you a pimply loser. And you're not a pimply loser, are you?

1. Getting drunk as fuck on the front porch

Yeah, I'll get this one out of the way first. You know you do it, cool dude. It's a swell activity if you happen to have a screened-in porch and you live in a city with a lot of foot traffic. It enhances people-watching. It makes you blissfully unaware of the mosquito drinking all of your blood from your forehead. It makes you want to say weird shit to passerby. I personally stick with a nice IPA or some sort of womanly cocktail. Try to avoid Sparks or Joose, since that stuff typically makes people get real loud and stupid, especially in conjunction with the afternoon sun. And besides, do you really wanna go to jail? Well, do you?

2. Kayaking

Kayaking is fun, easy (unless you're morbidly obese or have an inner ear infection), and relaxing. Yes, relaxing. I'm not talking about mainlining a six pack of Mountain Dew Code Red and blasting through class 5 rapids, I'm merely talking about renting a kayak at Stony Creek for five bucks and paddling out to the island while smoking a cigarette and drinking a pint of whiskey that's in the ass pocket of my swim suit.

3. Playing Glow-in-the-dark football

This may be the world's greatest sport, hands down. That is unless you've been drinking on the porch all day, in which case the ball will look like a large, fuzzy green blob in the night coming directly at your face. I bought my football at a supermarket for like, 7 bucks. I consider it to be one of the best summer investments on the planet.

4. Going for a bike ride

You're gonna sweat. No doubt about it. Might as well get off the chaise lounge and hop on your bike. It's the perfect transportation. Ride to your friend's house and go swimming with them and eat hotdogs and get drunk on frozen margaritas. The cops are less likely to pull your ass over if you're on a bike, dude. It will also make you skinny, and that's a good thing if your physique resembles a hairy, uncooked pizza as opposed to, say, Adonis.

5. Have a rad barbecue

With lots of meat. Vegetarians are so dumb. The proteins in meat were crucial in the development of mankind's brain, and cheeseburgers beat the shit out of asparagus all day.

Do you ever wonder why crappy hippies are so passive? It's because they don't have the taste for blood. Do you know what a vegetarian would do if someone tried to kill them? They'd probably just roll over and die or hide in the closet, shaking like an epileptic puppy.

Do you know what a carnivore would do? They would kill the intruder and gorge on their flesh while enjoying a nice chianti. Eat a fucking hotdog and level up, people.

6. Shoot your cat with a watergun

Face it, your cat is mostly a dick. When it's not outside killing things and toying with the corpses, it's probably inside, asleep on your clean stack of folded towels, or trying very hard to extract food from you. Your cat won't wake you up if your house is on fire. The cat isn't gonna play frisbee with you. The cat is going to attack your newborn baby.

The cat will destroy your screen windows. The cat will pee on your towels. The cat will attack your feet. And the cat will watch you have sex.

Realistically, a watergun is a great way to discourage your feline friend from engaging in unwanted behaviors. Giving them a shot of cool water in the butt is hardly inhumane; most vets recommend using this method in place of other disciplinary actions. Plus, it's kind of funny.

7. Just, like, go outside

'Nuff said. Have a good summer.